Sarah (Doctor, United Kingdom)
Sarah (Doctor, United Kingdom)
My 8-year-old son gets extremely anxious before tests or any kind of performance, whether it's a school exam, a piano recital, or even reading aloud in class. He worries for days, says he’s "not good enough," and sometimes even complains of stomach aches. I reassure him that he’ll do fine, but he still gets very nervous. How can I help him manage his anxiety and build confidence?
Askly Help:
Anxiety in children, especially around tests or performances, is common and can be managed with the right strategies. Helping a child develop confidence and coping skills will not only support them academically but also in other aspects of life.
1. Normalize Anxiety and Reframe It as Excitement
Let your child know that feeling nervous before a test or performance is completely normal. Instead of saying, "Don't worry," try, "Feeling a little nervous means your brain is getting ready to do something important!" Sometimes, reframing nervous energy as excitement helps shift the mindset from fear to anticipation.
2. Teach Relaxation Techniques
Help your child learn simple ways to calm their body and mind before a stressful event. Some effective techniques include:
- Deep Breathing: "Breathe in slowly through your nose for four seconds, hold for four seconds, and breathe out through your mouth for four seconds."
- Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Guide them to tense and relax different muscle groups, starting from their toes and moving up to their shoulders.
- Positive Visualization: Ask them to imagine themselves successfully completing the test or performance, feeling proud and happy afterward.
3. Encourage a Growth Mindset
Children who fear failure often believe they have to be perfect. Shift the focus to effort rather than results. Instead of saying, "You'll do great!" try, "No matter what, I’m proud of how hard you’ve worked." This helps remove pressure from the outcome and emphasizes personal progress.
4. Prepare Without Overloading
While practice is important, too much pressure can backfire. Help your child create a study or practice schedule that includes breaks and fun activities. Encourage small, manageable goals like:
- Reviewing one topic at a time instead of cramming.
- Practicing piano for 15 minutes instead of an hour.
- Reading aloud to a stuffed animal before doing it in front of classmates.
5. Use Positive Self-Talk
Teach your child to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. If they say, "I'm going to mess up," help them reframe it to, "I’ve prepared, and I’ll do my best." You can also write affirmations on sticky notes and place them in their room or lunchbox.
6. Create a Calm Down Corner
If anxiety becomes overwhelming, having a Calm Down Corner can be helpful. This space should include soft cushions, stress balls, fidget toys, or a journal where they can write their worries. Encouraging your child to spend a few minutes there before a stressful event can help them reset emotionally.
7. Share Personal Stories
Let your child know they’re not alone. Share a time when you felt nervous but managed to push through. Hearing how others have faced and overcome similar feelings helps children feel understood and capable.
8. Celebrate Effort, Not Just Results
After the test or performance, focus on what went well rather than the final outcome. Ask, "What part did you feel most proud of?" and celebrate their courage rather than their score. Over time, this helps reduce the pressure they put on themselves.
9. Know When to Seek Extra Support
If anxiety becomes severe—such as frequent stomachaches, difficulty sleeping, or avoidance of school—it may be helpful to talk to a teacher, school counselor, or child psychologist. Professional support can provide additional strategies for managing stress.
By helping your child shift their perspective on anxiety, practice calming techniques, and build self-confidence, they will gradually learn to face challenges with more resilience and less fear.