Olivia (Journalist, Germany)

 Olivia (Journalist, Germany)

My 7-year-old daughter gets extremely upset when she loses at games. Whether it’s a board game, a race with friends, or even a simple guessing game, she pouts, sometimes cries, and occasionally storms off. I’ve tried telling her that winning isn’t everything, but she still struggles to handle losing. How can I help her develop a healthier attitude toward competition?

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Askly Help:

Handling loss is a skill that children develop over time. At this age, they are still learning to manage disappointment and build resilience. Instead of focusing only on the outcome, help your child shift her perspective toward effort, fun, and personal growth.

1. Acknowledge Feelings Without Overreacting

When your child gets upset after losing, acknowledge her frustration without making a big deal out of it. Saying something like, "I see that you're feeling disappointed because you wanted to win. That’s okay—everyone feels that way sometimes." This helps her process emotions without feeling ashamed.

2. Model a Healthy Attitude Toward Winning and Losing

Children learn by watching. If they see adults handling wins and losses gracefully, they are more likely to follow suit. You can model this by saying:

• "I lost this round, but I had so much fun playing!"
• "Wow, you played really well! Next time, I’ll try a new strategy."

This reinforces that playing is about enjoyment, not just winning.

3. Focus on Effort and Improvement, Not Just Outcomes

Shift the focus from winning to personal progress. Instead of asking, "Did you win?" try:

• "Did you have fun?"
• "What do you think you did well?"
• "What could you try differently next time?"

By emphasizing learning and improvement, you help her build resilience.

4. Introduce Cooperative Games

Sometimes, competitive games can be overwhelming. Try incorporating cooperative games where players work together toward a common goal. Examples include:

• Board games where players team up to solve challenges.
• Building activities where success is about teamwork rather than individual victory.
• Storytelling games where everyone contributes rather than competes.

This helps develop a sense of achievement without direct competition.

5. Practice Losing in a Safe Environment

Use low-stakes games to practice handling loss. Play simple games at home and model how to react:

• If you lose, say, "Oh well, I’ll try again next time!"
• If she wins, encourage her to say, "Good game!" instead of boasting.
• If she loses, remind her, "Winning isn’t the only way to have fun."

Over time, repeated exposure to losing in a supportive setting helps children cope better.

6. Teach Self-Regulation Strategies

If losing makes her emotional, help her learn ways to manage frustration. Encourage:

• Deep breathing: "Take a deep breath in, hold it, and let it out slowly."
• Taking a break: "If you’re feeling upset, let’s take a short break and come back."
• Using positive self-talk: "It’s okay to lose sometimes. I’ll get better with practice."

7. Create a Calm Down Corner

If frustration leads to outbursts, a Calm Down Corner can help. This space can have:

• Soft pillows
• A "Feelings Chart"
• A stress ball or fidget toy
• A small notebook for drawing or writing feelings

Encourage her to go there if she feels overwhelmed, making it a space for emotional regulation rather than punishment.

8. Encourage Good Sportsmanship

Teach phrases that promote a positive attitude, like:

• "Good game!" (whether she wins or loses)
• "That was a fun challenge!"
• "I liked how you played that round!"

Role-playing these responses can help her feel more comfortable using them in real situations.

9. Celebrate Small Wins and Progress

Rather than celebrating only victories, highlight personal achievements:

• "You stayed calm even though you lost. That’s amazing!"
• "You tried a new strategy this time. I love that!"
• "You didn’t give up, and that’s what matters most."

By reinforcing effort and progress, she will start valuing the experience over just the result.

10. Be Patient—Resilience Takes Time

Learning to lose gracefully is a process that takes time. With consistent support and guidance, your daughter will gradually develop a healthier attitude toward competition. Keep modeling positive behavior, encouraging emotional regulation, and focusing on effort rather than just winning. Over time, she will learn that the joy of playing is more important than the final score.