Problem: I am very socially shy, I can't talk to new people easily, which is causing problems in my personal and professional life.
Problem: I am very socially shy, I can't talk to new people easily, which is causing problems in my personal and professional life.
How to overcome social shyness: Build confidence step by step
Oliver Reed, 27, software engineer, Copenhagen, Denmark
I'm Oliver, living in Copenhagen, Denmark, and working as a software engineer for an IT company. While I love my job, there's one aspect of my personality that always holds me back—I'm extremely shy.
When I go to a new place, I usually stay quiet, not knowing what to say. When talking to new people, I feel like I'm going to say something wrong, or that they might not be interested in listening to me. If there's a networking event at the office, I stand in the corner, and when I go to a party, I want to leave quickly. Even with friends, I sometimes feel like I'm talking too much.
This shyness is not only causing problems in my personal life, but it is also holding me back professionally. I know that I could have gone further if I had better communication skills. But how do I overcome this fear? How do I learn to mix with new people easily?
Askly Help's compassionate solution
Dear Oliver,
Your feelings are completely normal. Many people struggle with social shyness, and it's not a personal weakness. Rather, it's a skill that can be developed through practice. You may be born an introvert, but that doesn't mean you can't develop social skills. Let's take a look at how you can build your confidence.
1. Take small steps, don't stress.
Developing social skills is a gradual process. Don't try to change yourself all at once, but make small changes every day. For example:
- Talking about something new with a colleague at the office.
- Chatting with the barista at the cafe for a minute or two.
- When you go to a party, talk to at least two people.
It will feel difficult at first, but the more you try, the more natural it will become.
2. Don't pressure yourself to say the "right" thing.
Many shy people think that if they don't say something interesting enough, others will lose interest. The reality is that people enjoy simple conversations. You don't need to say anything complicated or intellectual, just try to keep it simple.
For example:
- "How was your weekend?"
- "What book are you reading now?"
- "Have you been to this coffee shop before?"
Small conversations help build deeper connections over time.
3. Use body language
Your body language is more important than your words. Here are some simple tips:
- Talk with your eyes open.
- Keep smiling.
- Stand or sit in a normal posture without folding your arms or legs.
These small changes will make you look more confident and people will feel more comfortable with you.
4. Mingle more in familiar places.
New environments can be stressful for many people, so first choose a place where you feel comfortable—
- Small office meeting
- Library or cafe
- A club or community group
Find an environment where you have the opportunity to go regularly. Gradually, it will become normal for you.
5. Develop a positive self-image.
You may think, "I can't talk," "I'm not attractive"—but it's important to change these thoughts. Stand in front of the mirror every morning and say one positive thing about yourself, such as—
- "I am a good listener."
- "I'm slowly improving my social skills."
- "I can make connections with others."
This will help boost your confidence.
6. Don't be afraid of rejection.
Not all conversations will be successful, and that's normal. If someone shows less interest, don't take it personally. Everyone has their own busy schedules and moods. All you can do is be patient and keep trying.
7. Build a habit—practice regularly
Social skills, like all other skills, are developed through practice. So take it one step at a time. You'll find that what once seemed difficult will gradually become natural.
Last words: Open yourself up slowly.
Oliver, shyness is not a weakness, it's a part of your personality. But if you slowly push yourself towards new experiences, you'll see that you yourself have changed.
Start today—a small conversation, a smile, a new friendship. You are not alone, and you can gradually conquer your fears.
If you want to go deeper, there are a few additional things you can keep in mind—
8. Reduce worries about social acceptance
Many shy people feel like others are scrutinizing or judging their every move. In reality, most people are so busy that they don't even notice others! So if you ever find yourself wondering, "What if I say the wrong thing?"—tell yourself, "People are thinking more about themselves than about what I'm saying."
9. Get help from friends or colleagues
Share this with a close friend or colleague. If they know, they can help you feel more comfortable in social situations. They may even encourage you to engage in conversation.
10. Be patient—not everything changes overnight.
Change takes time. You may feel like you haven't made much progress after trying for a while. But trust me—every small step is moving you toward a big change.
Finally, I will say: Oliver, you are fine as you are. But if you want to be more open, follow these small habits. Shyness will never stop you if you start to bring yourself forward little by little.
Good luck on your new journey!
By your side,
Askly Help