Problem: I'm lost after becoming a father.
Problem: I'm lost after becoming a father.
Name: Lucas Maynard
Occupation: Software Engineer
Country: United States
City: Chicago
I'm Lucas, 36 years old. I live in Chicago and work as a software engineer. I recently became a father—our little boy is only five months old now. Everyone says that being a father is the best feeling in the world, but I feel like I'm slowly losing myself.
My wife and I are trying to raise our child together, but I wasn't prepared for the huge changes that come with being a new parent. The sleepless nights, the endless responsibilities, and the almost no time for myself—I'm exhausted. I used to have a rhythm to my life—work, the gym, hanging out with friends, reading my favorite books—but now my days start with the sound of my baby crying and end with me falling asleep, completely exhausted.
The worst part is that sometimes I feel angry—at myself, at the situation, even at my family. I know it's unfair, but the frustration and exhaustion inside me is growing. I don't know how to accept this new identity of being a father and find some comfort for myself again. How can I find this balance?
Solution: The journey of finding yourself as a father
By Askly Help
Dear Lucas,
These feelings are very normal. Becoming a father for the first time is a huge change, and it's not just for your baby—it's for you too. Many people experience these feelings in the first few months of parenthood, but very few people express them. So let me start by saying—you're not alone.
Parenthood is not just a story of joy and love, it also involves fatigue, sacrifice, and the challenge of reinventing yourself. But it is also true that with time, you will find a balance. For that, you need to take some conscious steps.
1. Don't deny your feelings—acknowledge them.
You're tired, you're frustrated, you sometimes feel angry—it's normal. Becoming a father isn't all about happiness and excitement, it can also be fraught with frustration, anxiety, and even a sense of emptiness at times. But if you keep these feelings bottled up, they'll only grow. Instead, acknowledge them and vent your inner turmoil—maybe with your spouse, a close friend, or a counselor.
2. Find small moments that are just for you.
Many parents feel like it's selfish to ask for time to themselves after the birth of a child. But the truth is—if you don't take care of yourself, it's going to be hard to be a good parent.
- Keep at least 15-20 minutes for yourself every day.
- Maybe go for a walk during your break from work, maybe read a short story, or meditate for 10 minutes in the morning.
- Go to the gym if you can—it's not only good for the body, it also keeps the mind healthy.
If your wife is going through the same problem, you two can create a routine where you both get some personal time.
3. Your wife is your partner—think of it as your team.
A common problem in the lives of new parents is that both of them get so busy that they neglect each other. Your wife is just as tired as you are, going through the same changes as you. So whenever possible, sit down together and talk.
- Tell me, how are you feeling?
- Listen, how is he spending his day?
- Give each other some time so that you can both rest.
4. Ask for help—don't try to handle everything alone.
Many new parents think they have to do everything alone. But the truth is, you can't do everything alone. Don't be afraid to ask for help from family or close friends. If possible, have someone come over once a week to take some time for you so you can relax.
5. Becoming a father doesn't mean giving up everything.
A common misconception is that becoming a father means completely changing your life. Yes, there will be some changes, but that doesn't mean you'll lose all your interests.
- Maybe you could read a book for three hours a night before, but now that's not possible. But if you can read even 10-15 minutes a day, that's enough.
- Maybe you used to go out with friends more, but now you don't. But meet them at least once a month.
If you keep up your little hobbies, you will be a better father because then you will be happier from the inside.
6. It's just a phase—and it will change.
At this moment, it may seem like this fatigue will last forever. But no, the baby will grow up, the routine will change, and your life will slowly return to its normal rhythm. You may not realize it now, but in a few years you will look back and think—"Those days were hard, but how wonderful!"
Dear Lucas, becoming a father is not an easy task, but it is an experience that will change you, deepen your life. You may feel lost now, but little by little you will find yourself again—in a new identity, in a new form, as an extraordinary father.
Best wishes!
— Askly Help