One-sided feelings in friendship
🎠Problem and Solution: One-sided Feelings in Friendship
First person:
Name: Ilya Grace
Occupation: School teacher
City and country: Edinburgh, Scotland
Problem:
Hello Askly Help,
I'm Ilya. Age 34. I'm a teacher by profession. I get the opportunity to learn a lot about life from my students, but today one question keeps haunting me day after day—can friendship ever be one-sided?
A very close friend of mine—Lee. We've been friends for the past ten years. In the beginning, we both spent equal time, talked, and were there for each other. But now I feel like I'm trying alone. It's like I'm no longer needed in his life.
I keep messaging him, asking him to meet up, but he just makes excuses about being busy. But when he needs me, it's like I'm the most important person. I understand that he's a good person, but maybe I've just become a "friend with convenience."
I don't want to leave this relationship because I still value his friendship. But I feel like I'm losing my self-respect from being neglected over and over again. What should I do?
— Ilya
✨ Solution from Askly Help:
Friendship: When love becomes one-sided
Dear Ilya,
I was touched by your letter. Writing about such deep feelings is not an easy task. So first of all, I would like to thank you for your courage.
Friendship is not a contract, it is a connection of the heart. And any relationship requires the combined presence of two people. When that balance is lost, the relationship sinks into a strange void.
1. You are not alone, this experience is shared by many.
Many people go through such one-sided feelings in friendship, but most people consider it their weakness and keep quiet. You have come to the place where you are able to ask questions—that is your strength.
2. You are not 'needed', you deserve to be 'loved'
A friendship in which you are only important when the other person needs something is not a full relationship. It is a one-sided calculation of wants and needs. You are a teacher, the compassion you have is extraordinary. But that humanity should not be a reason to forget yourself.
3. Speak clearly about your feelings.
Sometimes people don't realize how much they're hurting someone. If possible, talk to them directly—not silently, but in a matter-of-fact way. Start with "I," not "you." For example,
"I feel neglected sometimes..."
You might be surprised—they may not even realize how much they've changed.
4. Don't let yourself be disliked.
No relationship can be so valuable that you have to sacrifice your self-respect. Love is not about erasing your existence—it is about making each other more complete.
5. Learn to explore new horizons of friendship.
Life changes every day. So do our relationships. A friendship may fade away, but that doesn't mean a new one won't come along. Maybe someone will come into your life who will happily call you as soon as they receive your message and say, "Where have you been?"
Last words:
Ilya,
the most valuable relationship is the one that helps you survive as you are—not the one that just wants your presence, but the one that puts a hand on your shoulder and says, “You’re fine just the way you are.”
You deserve such a friendship.
If you take a step back, maybe he'll realize what he's missing out on.
And if he doesn't, that's his loss—not yours.
Love and light remain,
— Askly Help